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Dotti's Newsletter |
August 5, 2008 |
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Issue #053 |
Welcome
Hi everyone! Hope this newsletter finds you all enjoying your summer. We've actually had some beautiful weather here in the Northwest. Right now we are enjoying a wonderful visit from our oldest son, Glenn and our grandson, Kai.
How To Say 'NO'And still feel good about yourself! (Conclusion) By Al Coon This time we are concluding our discussion on how to say NO without guilt. If you missed Part One, please Click Here to read it. How Do I actually say NO? You have the right to basic human dignity. That includes being the one who chooses what you will do as you walk through each day of your life. You may CHOOSE to do things that you don't like in order to achieve a goal without sacrificing your dignity. Doing things you may not really enjoy for those you love, is a wonderful expression of love, as long as it is your choice. Trouble arises only when a manipulator is making your choice for you. Then you feel demeaned and used. Learning to say NO to such a person can be priceless, because it frees you and greatly increases your self-esteem. Before proceeding, I want to make sure we are clear on one point: what we are talking about here is dealing with people who are manipulators. We are NOT talking about dealing with physically violent people. If you are in a situation where you are physically abused by someone, or live in fear of being physically abused by someone, you need to get to safety, not simply try to assertively stand up for your rights. A person, who is willing to beat you up, doesn't care about you or your rights. Such a person needs to be far away from you and those you love. If this is you, get help, please, right now! Steps to Saying NO Painlessly The key point in deciding if you should say YES or NO is this: If you want to say NO but hesitate only because you might, or will, feel guilty, then your answer should be NO. When you want to say YES, then you feel good about the decision, both before and after you actually do what is requested. However, if you want to say NO, and end up saying YES anyway, then you will feel frustrated and used. Let's take steps to make sure that you avoid that in the future. Item 1: Walking in the Right. We have a natural inclination towards doing the right thing and the fair thing. It feels good when we can look back at something that we did and know that it was right, especially when it was difficult to accomplish. These are usually the things we are most proud of in our lives. Did you ever befriend someone who was not popular in school? The other kids were mean to him and he just didn't fit in, but you stood up for him and made the others back off? How did that make you feel? No one stands taller than that, ever. Here is your chance to do that same sort of thing again: you get to stand up for yourself in the face of a thoughtless person. You are a person, valuable and wonderful, with feelings and a basic human need for dignity. You are every bit as deserving of a champion as any child in school who needed help dealing with mean spirited kids. When you feel you should say NO, and you do say NO, you have stood up for your right to be a person. The harder it is for you to say NO, the more important it is that you do so, and the more satisfaction you will derive looking back at your actions afterwards. You did the right thing and that makes you feel good. Item 2: You Don't Have to Say Why! You do not have to offer a reason as to why you say NO. Some people are experts at manipulating others. They demand to hear your reasons for saying NO in order to try and "trump" them with reasons of their own, a game of one-upmanship, and they have a lot of practice at this trick. So, it is important for you to remember that your right to say NO is reason enough! Even if you voluntarily choose to offer a reason for your NO, you have no obligation to offer further reasons, or to join into the manipulation game of whose need is greater. The reason you say NO is based upon your right to say NO, not upon whose need is greater. The fact is—you have the right to say NO for absolutely no reason at all! Item 3: I Understand, But NO! What about the well-seasoned manipulator? You tell him NO but he just keeps on pressing. Now what? You switch on the "Infinite Repetition" by simply repeating yourself, and saying NO each time he repeats his request.
Item 4: Dodging or How to Deal With an Insulting Manipulator What if you are dealing with a childish person who is trying to insult you into complying with his request? It might be a salesman implying that your intelligence is low for not wanting to buy his product. It might be a boss criticizing your dedication in trying to manipulate you into coming in to work overtime on your day off. On the other hand, it might be a family member who suggests that you don't care enough about him to grant his request. When you can take the sting out of the insults, and thereby refuse to be manipulated, you can alter the way people treat you; when you respect yourself, and stand up for your rights, the whole world tends to notice, and it will treat you differently. Your goal is to become an "Artful Dodger." What would happen if you tried to poke a pencil into a jet of steam coming out of a boiling teapot? What happens if you try to punch the air around you? Would you change the steam or the air by these actions? The steam and the air just move aside and let you expend your energy upon yourself and they go on as if you didn't even exist. When you do that to insulters it takes the wind out of their sails. Insults only have value when a desired reaction to them occurs. If you take away that reaction, an insult is dulled to uselessness. The trick is to use your mind to deflect the barb, by agreeing with it, but in your own way. If someone calls you, or your reasons for saying NO, dumb, you might reply, "You're probably right. There certainly are people brighter than I am." Your thoughts might be, Sir Isaac Newton was way smarter than I am, and Aristotle was a pure genius. I know there are people much smarter than I am, and compared to them I could be considered dumb. You have agreed in part with what was said, but you are not demeaned in the slightest. So what if you are not the smartest person who ever lived? Who is? And even bright people act dumb from time to time. The insult is meaningless, and your reply has pointed that out, while agreeing with it. The insulter swung but only hit air. If an insulter says, "Your reasons aren't sound," you will happily remember that your reasons do not have to be sound—because it is your right to say NO even for unsound reasons! You can then reply, "I can see how you might think that." Once again, you have agreed in part, but given zero ground to the insult. In a way you have turned it back on him, because while you understand his opinion, it doesn't mean that you agree with it. If he asks you, "What is the matter with you?" You can reply, "I often wonder that myself." Again, you are ambiguous. What creature, either man or beast, has ever lived that doesn't have something wrong with it? You have given him nothing to hit. In trying to shame you into saying YES he might ask, "Don't you care?" You can reply, "I try very hard, but I am not as selfless as I could be." This is true of everyone who is a caring person. We all try our best to be sympathetic to others. But nobody is perfect. Admitting it is no shame. If that insult was coupled with a request, you will of course use your infinite repetition to counter it: BOSS: I will have a very hard time finding someone to cover this weekend if you don't work. Don't you care?" YOU: I try very hard to be a caring person, but I am not as selfless as I could be, and I am not going to be able to work overtime this weekend. As long as you don't become sarcastic, and still can find a point of agreement, the insult is derailed from its intended result. There isn't much fun swinging at the air and hitting nothing, and people generally tire of it quickly. (Due to the length of this article, it is continued below. —Al) VitaliciousTM Vitamin-fortified, delicious, better-for-you baked goods 
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Try Vitalicious TM muffins today! They come in at 1 point on Weight Watchers and are the perfect snack.
Come Join the Fun!  Do you want some extra support during your Journey? Would you like to have a place you can call "home," where you can be yourself? Our Message Board is just the place. It's home to all our Zonie friends who share their Journey experiences and are always willing and ready to offer support, laughs, friendship and  ~ 24/7. Our DWLZ Message Board is at: http://www.dwlz2.com/forum/. Don't forget to register if you haven't already done so.
Food Finds I've tried a couple new cereals this week along with a new sugar free jello and a 60-calorie vanilla latte. Isn't it fun to try new foods? I've really been surprised at how many new foods I've tried and liked. 
Better Blueberry Pancakes Great pancake recipe! Makes 2 (4 pancake) servings Ingredients—
Preparation—
Per serving: 140 Cal, 3g Fat, 3g Fiber, 20g Carbs, 687mg Sodium, 8g Protein *2.5 ~Prevention Guide—The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Planner Weight Loss is 90% Mental I use Dr. Roberta's Enjoying Weight Loss Hypnosis CDs as an important help on my lifelong Journey to a healthier me:
Want to know more?
— I honestly believe this is an answer to a dilemma that we all face. Come and read about it. Motivation Life's Most Important Treasures Joy in your heart, your mind, your soul. Peace with yourself and with the universe. Harmony. Courage to feel, to need, to reach out. Freedom to let yourself be bound by love. Friendship. Wisdom to learn, to change, to let go. Acceptance of the truth and beauty within yourself. Growth. Pleasure in all that you see, and touch, and do. Happiness with yourself and with the world. Love. ~~~Maureen Doan ~Creeds to Live By, Dreams to Follow, Susan Polis Schutz Fear of... Fear comes from within. There is something you can do about it!
Whole Grain Bonus Did you know that when you choose at least half of your grain choices as whole grains, you are getting a unique combination of substances that promotes health including fiber, phytonutrients and antioxidants? All three parts of a whole grain kernel work together to provide these health benefits. There are three parts of a whole grain kernel:
Here are a few tips to increase whole grains in your diet:
Software You Can Use! — And Now Available Online! Weight CommanderThe Weight Commander is an awesome program for your Journey. I highly recommend it to all those who are on a Journey of their own. It is a wonderful program to track your progress on any weight loss program you are using. You can read My Review of the Weight Commander or go straight to the source and check out this great software by following this link to Weight Commander. He has many tips and ideas throughout his program which will help you to be successful on your Journey. And for those who don't feel comfortable downloading software, or who cringe when Windows gives them another unnecessary warning about running perfectly safe software, Michael has created a wonderful online version of Weight Commander, where you can always access your information with privacy, with no worry about trying to transfer it from computer to computer when you switch. You can of course still get the software version (which continues to work very well, even on my Windows Vista computer), but the online version of Weight Commander is a wonderful new option! You make the choice, but you win either way.
Four Food Groups Whole Grain - Daily Recommendation is for at least 3 ounce equivalents for most adults; at least 48 grams of whole grain recommended daily. Below is a list of some whole grain ounce equivalents.
Fat-Free and Low-Fat Dairy—Daily Recommendation is 3 cups. This group provides calcium and vitamin D to help keep your bones strong. The following counts as a cup serving.
Comic Relief The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it. —Andy Rooney I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking. —Carrie Snow It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping! —Milton Berle When I buy cookies I just eat four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. —Janette Barber Old people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get. —Robert Orben I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen You do live longer with bran but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. —Alan King You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice. —Gwen Owen Baja Bob's Cocktail Mixes ~ Home of the Original Sugar-Free Margarita Mix Note from Baja Bob's Try some Baja Bob's Sugar Free Cocktail Mixes today - What a great way to enjoy an occasional cocktail without any guilt! Enjoy and stay on your program! Enter Code dotti10 when ordering and receive a 10% discount...
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Cooking with Grains
~You Are What You Eat by Dr. Gillian McKeith Did you know...? Our Journey is not just about weight loss; it's about constantly learning new things... A single share of Coca-Cola stock purchased in 1919, when the company went public, would have been worth $92,500 in 1997. Nestle is the largest company in Switzerland, yet more than 98 percent of its revenue comes from outside the country. The largest employer in the world is the Indian railway system, employing more than a million people. Company Policy—Workers at Matsushita Electric Company in Japan beat dummies of their foremen with bamboo sticks to let off steam. The company has enjoyed 30 percent growth for 25 consecutive years. Howard Hughes once made half a billion dollars in one day. In 1996, he received a bank draft for $546,549,171 in return for his 75 percent holdings in TWA. ~The Book of Useless Information by Noel Botham & The Useless Information Society Help For You Would you like some internal help with overcoming any of these problems?
How To Say 'NO' And still feel good about yourself! By Al Coon (Continued from the top) Steps to Saying NO Painlessly—continued Being a person Real freedom, freedom that is not just a privilege that can be taken away, can come about in two ways: 1) Your personal power to force all others to accept your actions, whatever they may be; or 2) Your guaranteed RIGHT to act freely. Very few of us would attempt the former approach, and if our society were run like that, bullies would dominate and the rest of us would be subservient to them—a more or less feudal system. Fortunately, in our society, we have freedom based upon RIGHTS, and these are ours by birth. Since we are free, we can take our RIGHTS in both hands and use them to be the people we want to be. You have the right:
Now, let's put all of this to work in a real-life situation, and return to our little sister and her problem that we mentioned last time... Our Sister Scenario Revisited Your phone rings, and your little sister* is on the line, with a request for you to come right over and give her a ride to her job. She overslept and her car is in the garage right now, and she doesn't have time to catch a bus and arrive on time. You, on the other hand, have a conflicting brunch scheduled with a dear friend that you have had planned for weeks. You could call your friend up and cancel it if you had to, and she would understand, and your sister needs you. What do you do? *NOTE: We are not picking on "little sisters" here. It could just as well be little or big brothers, Mom or Dad, cousins, spouses, friends, bosses or even total strangers—like salesmen, telemarketers or survey takers in the mall. It could be anyone—often a person we love very much—who can use guilt to manipulate us into undesired action. Now let's bring this a bit more into focus. Your sister has repeatedly done things like this. She has never once appeared to care that it was putting you out when she asked you to drop what you were doing to come running. And honestly, whose job is this, and who is responsible for getting your sister to work on time? Clearly this is a case of your being used, and not by someone who truly appreciates what you are doing. Little sister may love you, but she doesn't respect you very much. "Hi it's me! You'll never guess what happened," Sister says. She sounds out of breath, and not interested in listening to your response apparently, because she continues on without a pause. "Remember you picked me up from the shop yesterday, where I dropped off my car? Well, I'm going to be late for work if you don't come over right now and give me a ride. My alarm didn't go off, and I overslept." Now notice, at this point you really haven't been asked so much as being told that you will come and save your sister from her own mistake. Naturally, you love your sister and if this were the first time something like this had happened, you would probably want to drop everything and run to her aid; that would be especially true if she routinely helped you when you needed it. You would then be happy to help her out now, and you would feel good afterwards for having done it! But that is not what is going on here. She has always found a way to not be available when you were in a bind, and has repeatedly put you on the spot this way. You feel that she should be responsible for her own life and to face up to her own mistakes. What would she do if you were living in another state? There is a whole underlying set of issues here, too complex for us to discuss, but you would feel used and unappreciated if you did this for her this time. So, you assertively say NO. "Sis, that is a real shame that you are going to be late for work this morning, but I won't be able to make it. You will have to find another way to work." You have acknowledged that you have heard what she said, and shown that you think it is unfortunate, but you have chosen not to be the rescuer this time. Remember, it is your RIGHT to say NO. Little Sister can always ask, but she has NO RIGHT to take YOUR RIGHT away from you. "But my boss has warned me that I have to be on time. This could get me fired." Now, the manipulation comes out. She is suggesting that you just didn't understand the situation. She completely ignores your right to say NO, and she wants to shame you into saying YES—even though she knows you want to say NO; in fact you have already said NO! "I can see that is a problem for you, but I won't be able to help you this time. You will have to find another way to work." Switching on the "infinite repetition," you first acknowledge that you hear what she is saying, and you agree that it is a problem, but repeat that you are not going to be the rescuer this time around. "But what are you doing that is more important than this? I am in a bind!" Searching for material to use against you, she is hoping to trump your reason for saying NO by showing that her need is greater. And she adds that she is in trouble, implying that it is your responsibility to save her. Now is a very good time to remember that your sister is an adult, and she is only a year younger than you are. She is as responsible for her life as you are for yours. So, what would you do if you were in a bind and your sister couldn't come save you? You think about it, and there is a bus stop next to her house and she could be at work in only a few minutes, and if she is late it will not be by much. She has friends nearby that she could call, and probably get her to work faster than you could. She could call a taxi and be to work on time. Paying the fair would probably be a good reminder to set her alarm next time as well. "I have plans already, and I can't make it. I am sorry you are in a bind but you will have to find another way to work." You don't spell out the fact that you are meeting a friend, because that is NOT the issue. She doesn't care about your plans at this moment, beyond trying to remove them. You have the RIGHT to say NO even if you have no plans. Maybe you need to relax this morning for something big that you must do later in the day. For whatever reason you need this time for yourself, and you have a right to it. Sister's poor planning doesn't remove your needs or your right to fulfill them. And of course you follow with the "infinite repetition" once more, that she will have to find another way to work and the answer is NO. If the roles were reversed at this point, you would terminate the call and start working out some alternative course of action. But Sis is persistent. "I don't know what you could be doing that is so important that you would get me fired for it." Laying on the guilt and trying to shame you into doing what she wants. This is pure manipulation, and hitting below the belt as well, but we have all seen it used by manipulators. Because we are caring people and want to be helpful, manipulators use that to control us. (A little thought would reveal to us that if sister were really desperately in need of being to work on time, she should have paid more attention to setting her alarm last night, or getting to bed earlier so she would have heard it going off this morning. In her mind, her crisis is important enough for you to change your plans but it was not important enough for her to change her own.) "I am sorry that you have gotten yourself into this problem at work, and now have overslept. Since I am not going to be able to get over there this time, I would recommend you start finding an alternative way to work." Showing concern, offering a helpful suggestion, and repeating once more that the answer is NO. "Well, fine! If you are going to just sit there and get me fired, I guess I'm on my own." The dirty tricks are out and in full array. Trying to lay on the guilt and shame in thick sheets, Sister is throwing in the last ditch effort to make you feel bad. If it doesn't make you say YES, she hopes it will at least make you feel bad, and suffer, so next time you will be more malleable. "Yes, you will have to deal with your problem yourself this time. If you hurry you can still find another way to get to work on time, since I will not be able to drive you today. I have my phone book here, would you like the number for the cab company?" Once again acknowledging that you heard what she said, making a suggestion, and repeating once more that that answer is NO, adding an offer to help with finding the phone number for getting a ride. The conversation could go on longer, but the method would be the same to deal with it. She could try to push your buttons, or become insulting. Then you can use the technique to "not be there" when she tries to hit you, by agreeing in part and repeating your NO answer. Notice that you are not getting worked up, and you remain unemotional, even though the manipulation is getting thick and dirty. You pay attention, agree with her where possible, and acknowledge what she is saying, while repeating the answer is NO as often as she asks. By listening closely, and answering the words, and not the emotional bombs surrounding them, you keep the conversation on the level. When you are focused on answering logically and in repeating your answer, you are not drawn into the manipulation. You are refusing to "play the game." You pull the conversation back from the emotional and keep it rational and calm. No matter how emotional, angry, or hurt your manipulator becomes, you continue to answer as a calm adult, repeating your decision—your RIGHTFUL decision—as many times as needed to bring the discussion to a close. When Sister realizes finally that it isn't going to happen, she will move on. And you may be surprised to find that instead of causing more problems, when you do this, your relationship will be better off for it. Both of you will respect YOU more! When you hang up the phone you stop and think for a minute. You aren't searching for food to deal with stress. You are calm and feel good about yourself. You didn't cave in, you did the right thing. You didn't melt into a puddle on the floor. You aren't angry and you don't feel guilty. And now you can go and enjoy your planned visit with your friend. You muse to yourself, "Why didn't I do this a long time ago?" Wishing you the very best,  (Highly) recommended reading: When I Say No I Feel Guilty —by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D.; Publisher: Bantam Books Al's Essays on Weight Loss and Maintenance Al has written many in depth essays on Weight Loss and Maintenance and they are now available on the website! You can find Al's Essays on Weight Loss and Maintenance at: DWLZ Cookbooks One and Two Have you ordered your DWLZ Cookbooks yet? These cookbooks are filled with recipes that are Zonies' favorites, dishes that are delicious but on program, with nutritional information listed. This is two books in one package: DWLZ Cookbooks Volumes One and Two. The recipes are easy to make and don't use hard-to-find items. They are together in one PDF file, viewable in your free Acrobat Reader (Version 5 and higher). These also make wonderful gifts. Philly Swirl
Every day is a good day to stock up on some great tasting Philly Swirl's Sugar-Free, Fat-Free Swirl Pops! They are delicious and only 10 calories. Keep your freezer stocked with these great 10 calorie pops which can be enjoyed anytime throughout the year. If you are interested in learning more about the Philly Swirl products please visit them at http://www.phillyswirl.com/ and drop them a line. They would love to hear from you. Psst...don’t forget to pass the word! We want to see these awesome Sugar-Free, Fat-Free Swirl Pops remain available to all of us on our Journey. Let's take the power we have to make a difference by passing the word about these awesome pops and keeping them available to us in the future. A Note from Al— These pops really hit the spot in the hot days of summer! They are only 10 calories each and they are very, very tasty! Dotti and I really love them, and our summer freezer nearly always is fully stocked with these treats. I just wanted you to know that they are for real, and they are REALLY GOOD—way better than 10 calories should have any right to taste! DWLZ Website Updates Keeping Dotti's Weight Loss Zone current is a full time job and then some. Anytime you would like to find my latest updates you can find them at these links:
Goodbye Until our next visit, always keep in mind you are never alone on this Journey. We are all here with you, right beside you, rooting you on. Take care until next time... Dotti
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http://www.dwlz.com/eletter.html (You can also unsubscribe from Dotti's Newsletter there.) Dotti's Weight Loss Zone And please don't forget to come and visit DWLZ!  If you are not already a regular visitor, it is time for you to come and make yourself at home at my web page, where you will find lots of tips on losing weight, and help in picking out good things to eat at your favorite restaurants, while still remaining on program. We have motivation, success stories, and much more. It is a lot like Disneyland: you'll have lots of fun, and you could never see it all in just one day! However, unlike Disneyland, Dotti's [ http://www.dwlz.com ] is open 24 hours a day, every day. Copyright and Disclaimer Copyright © DWLZ, Inc. - 2008, all rights reserved. This document may be reproduced freely as long as it is always reproduced in its entirety, including this copyright message, and the disclaimer below, and as long as it is always distributed free of charge. Disclaimer - This newsletter is not meant to be a substitute for any professional advice, guidance, or counseling. We are not doctors. Any information contained in this email reflects our own opinions and experiences. It is not intended in any way to serve as or take the place of medical advice from a physician. *Whenever possible, I calculate ALL my Points on my Offline Points Calculator in the Half Points Mode, which rounds UP to the nearest Half Point. This keeps my site consistent. All point values shown in BLACK are calculated with the 10-gram fiber cap [Original 123 Success Points]. When there is a difference with the 4 gram fiber cap calculation, I show the points value for that in RED. Note: Points® is a registered trademark of Weight Watchers International, Inc. The Points® values displayed are not intended in any way to show an endorsement or sponsorship of any product or organization by Weight Watchers International, Inc. |
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