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I remember making mayonnaise sandwiches when I was a kid and eating them one right after another. My "chubby" cousin Tracy would look at me and say, "Wendy, you better stop eating all that or you are going to get fat!" I said, "Fat? No, I'll never get fat. I can eat all I want, and I NEVER gain weight." Well, that lasted until about the third grade. My mother said that is when she remembered that I started to pick up weight. I remember her pleading with me to lose weight as I progressed through my growing up years. She'd take me on walks with her, put me on diets, force me to drink tons of water, and deny me the snacks that all my brother and sisters got to eat (mind you I am the third oldest out of 15 children--all from the same parents). I'm not ragging her for it. She had a weight problem too, and she just didn't want to see me struggle the way she did. However, it turned me into a "closet" eater. I would sneak down in the middle of the night and eat a whole box of Little Debbie snacks that my father had bought for all our lunches in the morning. Only to have him scratching his head in the morning saying "I could have sworn that I bought more snack cakes than that!" Yes, I was known as the Little Debbie Queen. My brother used to tease me and say that I couldn't wait to have a little girl of my own so that I could name her Debbie, and then call her "Little Debbie".
I think it was the summer before my junior year of high school that my Mom took me to my first WW meeting. I remember weighing in at 170. I only went to meetings for 4 weeks, and I basically starved myself, not eating anything for 3 of the 7 days, and then eating whatever I wanted the other four. I managed to lose 20 lbs, and I hit 150--my all time low as an adult. I felt wonderful, and skinny, even though, I really wasn't, but it felt good to me. It didn't last though. I managed to regain the weight and basically stayed around 170 for the rest of my high school career.
I went to college in the fall of 1988, and of course the "phenomenal" freshman 15 hit. I was going to nursing school, and there was a lot of stress, and of course, I ate to relieve that stress. I didn't have much money, so of course, I fell back on the Little Debbies. They were cheap and they gave me my fix. I spent my 5 years in college on the see-saw. I would find a guy, think I was in love, and bam I 'd go on a diet, only to regain the weight once I realized that this guy was not worth my love. I spent most of my college career at 180-200 lbs. I will never forget going to get weighed in for my physical to enter the nursing program. I had not weighed myself in a long time, and I certainly was not looking forward to getting on that scale. It read 201 lbs. I couldn't believe it, because never in my life had I ever weighed over 200 lbs, nor did I think I ever would. It was an eye opening day for me, and of course, I came home and went on a diet. I probably lost weight, I don't much remember, I knew I was constantly on a diet, and I was constantly binging. To this day, binging is my one downfall.
After I graduated from nursing school, I met what I thought was the love of my life. I weighed 190 lbs. Well, this "love of my life" broke my heart horribly, and I was convinced that it was because of my weight. I vowed that day to lose weight, and I rejoined WW. I did some ridiculous amount of exercise every day (I think it was like 3-4 hours of cardio a day), and I went from 188 to 152 in 7 weeks. Again, I felt great. I was on such a roll, I probably would have even gotten down to 130 had I kept on going, but something happened. I met the man that is now my husband. I told Jamie from the start that I had a weight problem. I don't think he really understood the depth of what I was talking about, but he claimed he loved me for me. He was the first guy I had ever met that really truly loved me. Yeah, that was wonderful, but of course, I started feeling really comfortable, and my weight shot up again. By the time I was up to 180, I started crying and telling him that I was not good enough for him. He convinced me that I was. I rejoined WW, and I made it down to 165 for our wedding. I wasn't as skinny as I would have liked to have been, but I felt beautiful, and I was happy. And I was very happy to be with a man that would love me no matter what I weighed.
We were married on August 19, 1995, and I was in and out of WW for the first year of our marriage. I managed to stay around 165-170. Then we decided to move to Portland, Oregon. His family was from out here, and we were ready for a change. Well, I'm not sure if it was the stress of moving, or being away from my family and feeling lonely, a new job, a new house, a mortgage for the first time in our lives--I'm not really sure. But I gained weight. I spent the next 3 years of our marriage around 190 even 200 lbs. I was miserable. I didn't feel good enough for my husband. I hated life. There are some people who are overweight who will tell you that they learned to accept themselves. Well, I was never like that. I never EVER accepted myself when I was overweight. I was a very miserable person, and I knew that as long as I continued to be overweight, I would be miserable. I knew I had to make a change, and this time a real change, not just a temporary, starve myself for a little while and lose weight change. I knew that didn't work.
My New Years commitment on January 1, 1999 was to lose weight once and for all. My husband was giving me a lot of pressure about having a baby, and I just knew that I needed to take care of my own "personal" problems before I could ever start thinking about having a baby. I have never had a problem with exercising. I was pretty good about exercising, and usually walked 4 miles every day whenever I had made the commitment to do that. I joined WW on January 16 and weighed in at 195. I am sure that I weighed at least 10 lbs more than this when I started my diet on January 1 because I really cut back on my eating and started exercising. So this time, I really worked the plan and did the point system. By July, I had gotten down to 170, and I was very proud of myself. That is when I started running. I started by just going in short burst and for limited amounts of time. It took me a while to build my cardiovascular endurance up, but I am very proud to say that today I am running 5 miles at one time, without stopping CONSISTENTLY 5-7 times a week. I see running as a major change in my life, because it has stopped the major see-sawing of my weight. I mean, granted I will have bad days or weeks, and my weight might fluctuate by 5 or 10 lbs, but I have maintained a weight of no greater than the 150's consistently for over 6 months now.
In January of this year, I started working out with a personal trainer three times a week lifting weights. (It was a Christmas gift from my husband). Although, I haven't lost much weight, I definitely feel stronger, and I see a lot more muscle definition in my body. Currently, I weigh around 145. My goal is to get to 130. I have rejoined WW to lose these last 15 lbs, and I am sure it will take me a while, but this has been a long journey for me, and I am not about to give up now. I feel and look better than I ever have in my whole life!!! I certainly have rough days and days that I fall into my old eating patterns, but I just remind myself how far I have come, and I dust off my knees and start working again. For me this is a battle I will fight forever. I believe it is my Mom who told me that a worst thing a soldier can do it forget he is on the battlefield. Sometimes, I get lax, thinking that I look good the way I am and people constantly give me compliments on how far I have come that I start to think it is okay to eat that donut, or okay to skip that workout. But I have learned from experience, that is is not. Even though my weight is what most people would call "normal" now, I still have an eating disorder, and I still have a weight problem that I will always have to work at. I think once one comes to that realization and accepts it, the easier it will become. This is not easy. It's not supposed to be easy. I have a lot of people ask me how I keep the determination to continue to work out. I am a very busy person. I am an ICU nurse that works 5-6 12-hour shifts in the ICU per week. No, I don't have any children, but I still am very busy. I believe that it is about priorities. We make time for what is important to us. I encourage everyone to start working out because it will change your life. It will change your attitude. You will never be the same.
I was just home (home is Ohio for me) to visit my family in late March. My whole family was so impressed with me and the changes I have made in the past year. My dad told me that he didn't think that it was even possible for me to look as good as I look now. That felt very good. My 17-year old brothers were wanting to show me off to their friends because they have a "babe" for a sister. (At least that's what they told me!!) I was somebody who was in tears the day I turned 30 last June 21. But you know, I'm going to turn 31 on June 21st of this year, and I don't think I'll be anything but smiles, because I look and feel better than I ever have in my whole entire life!!
One of the greatest inspirational messages I heard once has really helped me through the rough times, so I would like to share it with you: There is no such thing as maintaining. Each day with every choice you make, you're either improving or you're setting yourself back. What's it going to be today???
I wish you all the best.
Love, Wendy
P.S. I am proud to say that I haven't had a Little Debbie in years!!!
Workout routine:
Running 5 miles in 43 minutes (working on getting
that time down): 5-7 x a week
Weight lifting: 45 minutes 3x week
Ab exercises: 15 minutes 3x week
Photos - L-R, top row: Wedding Day, 8/19/95 - 165 lbs; 2 yrs after wedding (this pic & next one), High School Class Reunion, 7/98 - 190 lbs; 6 mos on WW's, right before I started running - 7/99 - approx. 170 lbs
Photos - L-R, bottom row: Jamie & I in Vegas, 12/00 - 158 lbs - before starting working out with personal trainer; 2 months with personal trainer - 2/24/01 - 148 lbs; With my sister in Ohio, 4/2/01