You've tried Dr. Stillman's Quick Weight
Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, and more, but you're still
lugging those extra pounds around. What's a food lover to do? Good news! Ten
new diets have just arrived on the scene. One of them is bound to do the trick.
1. The Internet Diet. You lose
weight because you're so addicted to being online, you don't eat for days at
2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing you're
really eating Death by Chocolate.
3. The Play With Your Food Diet. You're so busy making a castle out of
your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.
4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess using food tidbits
as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you capture your friend's
players. You lose the game and you lose weight.
5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels, trying to eat
at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table is constantly shifting,
so you don't get to eat much, and thus lose weight. (This is similar to The
Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing home.)
6. The Fisherperson Diet. A fisherperson holds a pole whose end is attached
to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try to bite down on the food,
the fisherperson pulls the food away.
7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are re-made in the style
of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli is now mostly air, so you
don't gain any weight.
8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the foods you like to
eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food Diet. Now you can't eat
the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.) You really lose weight.
9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to eat edible flowers.
You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose weight.
10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweetheart's hand. You
gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest in you because
s/he preferred you with love handles.
by Jud Pokras