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The Pig-Out Kitchen

The kitchen is, of course, the pigger's sanctuary. Yet it is important to not that the typical pig-out kitchen is not necessarily identified by well-stocked pantry shelves, a refrigerator filled to the brim, a stove in constant use, or a compilation of the latest gadgets. While any of these characteristics is certainly advantageous and should not be dismissed, the following list of eleven identifying signals is the real guide.

1.   Faded from overexposure to light - a result of repeated opening and closing of refrigerator door.

2.   Loose hinges (see #1 above).

3.   Black-out shades so neighbors can't see what you are doing.

4.   Silverware tray. Contains hacksaw (for cutting frozen brownies), a complete set of bent spoons (from eating ice cream directly out of the carton), and rubber spatula (to get every last drop).

5.   Absence of dog, cat, or any other pet that could lick up crumbs faster than you.

6.   Complete set of local telephone directories (as well as menus from neighborhood restaurants) for ordering out.

7.   Regional Goodie Shelf. Enables immediate identification of geographical location by particular brands housed - Entenmann's, Drake's Cakes, Tastykakes, Wise Potato Chips (East); Freihoeffer's cookies (upstate New York); Jay's Potato Chips (Midwest), See's Candies, Van de Kamp's (West), Krispy Kreme doughnuts (South), Sanders Hot Fudge (Detroit).

8.   Permanent indentations (a la Grauman's Chinese Theatre) caused by regular pigging while hovering over sink.

9.   How is it that what can fill a ten-gallon capacity trash can cannot fulfill a one-quart-capacity stomach?

10. A floor so clean you can eat off it - and often do.

"The Joy of Pigging Out" by David Hoffman