Return to Comic Relief


How To Cancel Out Your Diet

I started my spring diet last night.  I poured myself a beer, and then I put a slice of lemon in it.  This works because everybody knows that if you put a slice of lemon into a drink or squeeze it onto food, it cancels out the calories.  The acid dissolves them.  Same goes for lime and Vitamin C.  

Here are some other dieting tips:  If you fill a small bowl with potato chips and eat it, then fill it again, it contains fewer calories than if you fill a large bowl once.  Same thing with cake.  Several small pieces of cake don't add up to one large piece.  

You need dessert for a well-balanced meal because it speeds up digestion, which prevents you from absorbing too many calories.  Food contains fewer calories if you eat it standing up.  This means it's not fattening if you lick the bowl standing at the kitchen counter or eat a sandwich walking around the house.  Also, anything you eat standing in line at the supermarket doesn't count.  The same goes for eating at the bulk food containers.  

Size 8 isn't what it used to be.  Manufacturers are skimping on fabric, so a size 10 now is really the same thing that a size 8 used to be.  If you're having a busy day, you're allowed to eat anything you want and it won't count. You can lose weight just by watching the Olympics or an action show. Also, watching an Oprah show on weight loss causes you to be thinner.  

Frozen yogurt contains no calories at all.  Liquid calories aren't as dangerous as regular food calories.  Liquid doesn't stay in the body long enough for the calories to leech out into your body.  In fact, beer is the only liquid that actually contains calories, and lemon takes care of that.  "Lite" beer is calorie-free.  Food isn't nearly as fattening if you eat it fast.  On the other hand, chewing uses up a lot of energy and burns calories, so if you eat slow, it's also not fattening.  

Any kind of crackers that say "wheat" on the label aren't fattening.  Eating your children's leftovers doesn't count because it's a shame to waste food.  A salad and a buttered hard roll cancel each other out, so there's no calorie intake if you eat them at the same meal.  Also, Diet Coke cancels out everything you've eaten all day. 

Getting a new hairstyle makes you thinner.  So does impulse shopping. Lettuce causes cancer because of that stuff they spray on it.  Same thing with other vegetables.  If you share a candy bar with the dog, you can have another one.  It's rude to let others eat alone.  If your spouse arrives home late from work and you've already eaten dinner with the children, it would be impolite not to eat again with him.  Eating oatmeal cookies is the same as having breakfast.  It's the right thing to do.

Any product with a health claim on the package is OK.  That means if you see a gallon of ice cream that says "natural" on the box, it's good for you, even if it contains "natural fat".  Honey is less fattening than sugar because it's "natural".  Thinking hard counts as exercise.  It's as good as low-impact aerobics.  Gossiping is like high-impact thinking and burns even more calories.

 Eating just half of anything - even a three-pound chocolate bar - shows you're a serious dieter.  You deserve a reward, so it's OK to eat the other half.