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Food Quotes & Dieting Tidbits

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Calvin Trillin "This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen "I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck "I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen "Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz "Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin "Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso "Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben
PRESCRIPTION:  The doctor explained to the overweight patient - "These pills I'm prescribing for you are not to be swallowed. You just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time.
Samantha had been boring her friends to death about her new diet. That evening one of the friends went into the local restaurant and saw Samantha with a 2 inch thick double T-Bone, French fries, Potato, and all the trimmings.  "So that's what you mean about your diet then", said the friend  "I couldn't help it", cried Samantha, " I had to eat for the strength to keep dieting!"
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "Horrid," and "Sludge." Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, for a dish you'll never make. Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
A frequent dieter, I get annoyed when someone points out that I'm overindulging on some food. Once, while eating alone, I glanced into my bowl of sugary alphabet cereal to find the remaining floating letters spelled out the word HIPS.
Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183." My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"