Signs of Old Age
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
The Four Stages of Life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus