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The Swimming Suit

There are moments in every women's life
When she faces the humiliating fact
That time is no longer on her side
As she performs the simple, yearly,
Humiliating, death-defying act of...

Buying a swimming suit.
I can't believe I'm here
Buying a swimming suit.
I can't believe I'm here
Buying a swimming suit.
I do this every year,
Putting myself through
Eight kinds of hell
Searching through spandex
And nylon fortrel for a...

Flattering swimming suit.
A flattering swimming suit.
I feel like a moron.
Take a deep breath...
A prozac...a pause...
And try to remember
The Swimming Suit Laws.

Rule number one...
No stripe or horizontal
Unless you weigh thirty-five pounds.
Rule number two...
Accentuate the good parts.
Make them look up...
Never look down.

Buying a swimming suit.
There are questions when
Buying a swimming suit.
Here's one suggestion.
When thinking of ways
To improve the bra size,
Remember that foam
Is the last thing that dries.

Rule number three...
Keep them distracted
With ruffles and sequins and belts.
Rule number four...
Don't squeeze the job.
If you pull it in here
It comes out somewhere else.

And the lady who helps you is seventy-five
With glasses and rolled-down hose.
She says, "Dahling, this one is so good for the thighs".
I look better naked than I do in those.

Still...I'm buying a swimming suit.
How I hate this!
I'm buying a swimming suit.
I can't...wait!
Here's a nice little speedo.
Maybe I'll take this one after all,
or maybe...
I'll just stay inside...
till fall!

Could I see something in a wet suit, please?

Amanda McBroom