Thursday - Day Seventeen
Weight: 211

My legs felt a little cramped up today. So, I didn’t go to the gym. Every going other day isn’t too bad. As long as I work out at least 3 times a week, I’ll be OK.

I still am not drinking coffee, tea, or other heavily caffeinated beverages. I think that is helping!

I don’t know what the future may hold but I am proud to say that I am a nonsmoker today! I have not had a cigarette in 12 days and I haven’t been a smoker for 17 days!!!

I am in Stage 8 of quitting. I have not smoked in over 1 week, and I am striving to reach one month. I have completed 7 of “The 10 Stages of Quitting” ⁽¹⁾ listed in the “No Nag…” book. ⁽²⁾

Had trouble staying awake until Dot got off work at 11:30 PM. I watched some of the Heart and Lung Association’s 21 Days To Stop Smoking tape (I watched the items for days 16, 17, and then 1 - 6 again), while waiting for the time to pass. It felt good to say, “I do not smoke. I am a nonsmoker!”

I am still on very shaky ground; as if I were attempting to crawl out of a frozen lake, and the ice around the hole I was in is very thin. Each day that passes moves me a little father away from the hole and onto thicker and thicker ice. But I still can’t stand up on the ice and walk away, because the ice would break through and I would be in the water again. The hardest part was getting out of the water and up onto the thin ice. I made it up here once before but fell through the ice again. It has taken 4 long years to get back up here this time. I do not want to fall through again. Right now this is the second longest time I have gone without smoking since I started the stupid habit.

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^{1. The Ten Stages of Quitting (found on page 143 and 144 of “No Nag” (see (2) below)}

• Stage One - You are a health-concerned smoker and wonder if you should quit.
• Stage Two - You decide that you will actively seek additional info about quitting.
• Stage Three - You decide to take steps to modify your smoking and increase your health
• Stage Four - You make a firm commitment to quit smoking at some unknown point.
• Stage Five - You set a quitting date and make a firm commitment to quit on that date.
• Stage Six - You smoke your last cigarette and go 24 hours without smoking.
• Stage Seven - You complete your first week as a nonsmoker.
• Stage Eight - You complete your first month as a nonsmoker.
• Stage Nine - You complete your first three months as a nonsmoker.
• Stage Ten - You complete your first year as a nonsmoker.

Friday - Day Eighteen

I am detached. Reality is clearly there; easy to see, but difficult to focus on for any length of time. And stress! When Dot and I have a disagreement, I always think of cigarettes because I always controlled my emotions during high stress event in the past by puffing. Now I must control my emotions without chemical aid. Sometimes it is hard.

My class wanted to come in early this morning. That way they could leave early enough to catch flights down to Texas tonight instead waiting until tomorrow. I shoved them off around 1:00 PM. They weren’t in any mood to learn today and I am really in the best condition to teach them.

I am devouring lemon drops like crazy! As long as one of those is in my mouth, I don’t even think of having a cigarette. Most often, I don’t feel the “need for a cigarette” and “urge” anyway. I just feel worried, disquieted, jumpy, anxious, and apprehensive. Is it a low blood sugar level? Is it emotions coming back to life after years of being drugged into unconsciousness?

I still find myself avoiding things. My computer lost its 80 column video capability and emotionally, I just had to leave it alone. Dot called up and found out how to take care of it. I am living from day to day by avoiding stressful situations and coasting along.

Saturday - Day Nineteen

(Note to myself: Remember Amsterdam: Don’t get cocky! You still have a long ways to go until total freedom is reached!)

Woke up with the song Abdul Abulbul Amir running through my head this morning. Got up and broke out my Dr. Demento tape that had that song on it, and proceeded to write down the words and then figured out the chords on the guitar. I finally ended up getting out my electric guitar, and playing a few songs, while singing through the microphone.

The morning was hard, but things improved after I read a few meditations from “If Only I Could Quit.” ⁽¹⁾

Watch some Television including a movie called Dead Heat about zombie cops. Cute!?

Got to bed about 12:30 AM.

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^{1. If Only I Could Quit - Becoming a Nonsmoker; by Karen Casey; ©1987 Harper/Hazelden, New York}

Sunday - Day Twenty
Weight: 213

I ate an entire 16-ounce bag (140 cal/oz) of peanut M&Ms. Two thousand two hundred forty calories later(enough to create 0.64 additional pounds of fat), my throat was irritated from all the peanuts. I weighed 217 pounds last night when I went to bed. This morning I weighed 213 pounds when I woke up. I must start taking control of this problem. I am still popping lemon drops into my mouth continually. I have replaced one habit with another.

Yesterday I went to the gym and had a terrible time of it. Indeed, I could only run 2 miles. I don’t know why. Probably tired from all the workouts during the week. My lungs felt tired when I woke up. Almost as if I had been smoking again. Yuk! Today I didn’t go to the gym I’ll give it a rest. Dot worked late tonight. (Got home at 11:30 PM.)

Monday - Day Twenty-One (Three weeks!)
Weight: 213

Today, for the first time I was standing (at least) 3 feet away from a smoking friend of mine, who had just left the smoking area (cafeteria) moments before, and I was floored by the reek of cigarette smoke! That was a first for me. I never knew how strong the smell was that I carried around with me when I smoked. I coppied the Quit Smoking brochure from the Navy Quit Smoking Clinic Dot and I had attended in Portsmouth, Virginia in 1986, and I gave the copy to a smoking co-worker.

After work I hurried home and arrived just in time to kiss Dot goodbye. She was very nice and had dinner all reaedy for me when I wlked in the door!

I watched the Patty Duke story Just Call Me Anna and then blew the rest of the evening watching other things. I did pretty well on my calories until I ran out of lemon drops. Then I had a couple of bowls of cereal.

Tuesday - Day Twenty-Two (On my fourth week!)
Weight: 214

I’m jumpy and in need of oral gratification. Nothing like the first few days were, and certainly not a big problem with wanting cigarettes. Sugar and mouth toys (toothpicks, lemon drops, etc.).

I was sitting through a class at work, and it is boring. Boredom leads to thoughts of smoking. It’s not bad, but it’s there. I am looking for something. When break time rolls around I want a reward! That reward used to be a cigarette. Now it’s a cup of cocoa and a candy bar. I need to find a new kind of reward, with no calories!

I got my new CGA video card for my computer tonight. I re-installed Works for my budget stuff and a computer game. I played around with both for a while. Next thing I knew it was time from bed.

November 14, 1990 Wednesday - Day Twenty-Three
Weight: 214

Woke up early this morning. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Did “equipment operation” in the class I was sitting through at work. Ate a Bit-o-Honey today and 2 Rolo’s. I must find something constructive to do on my breaks. A visualization holiday. A relaxation period. Something. This eating my breaks away has to cease.

Watched Back to the Future Part III. It wasn’t too bad.

Had some personal issues to attend to tonight that caused some stress. No cigarettes for me, but the thought did cross my mind a couple of times.